Now I’m going to have to get up. I can’t fight it. Something might be wrong with her. Probably didn’t help me being off hand with her all evening. But it’s getting harder to see her with Flynn. The way they’re so cosy together. And how is she so understanding after his bloody orgy?
The light’s on in the kitchen. Christ she has those legs out. Fuck, she’s going to fall. “What the hell are you doing?” Do not focus on her bum cheeks. Christ she’s hot. Must not touch, must not touch.
“Getting the sugar”
“Give it to me.” I hold out my hand.
“Thanks, I’d have been okay.”
She’d have fallen. What the hell is that she’s putting too much sugar in?
“Sorry I woke you.”
“Is that warm milk?”
There’s that seductive nod of hers.
“What are you five?”
“My mum used to make it for me if I couldn’t sleep, it always works.”
“I see. Why can’t you sleep?”
“My brain won’t shut off. Are you still taking me back to Bristol if Flynn gets that job?”
Once she’s back in Bristol and I’m here in London with Flynn life will return to normal. “Yes, is that what you were worried about?”
I bet this is about her mum. I’m an absolute bastard. I should’ve been nicer to her this evening. It’s not been long since she opened up. “Is it about your mum?”
“The last few days are catching up with me I think. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster.”
Her voice and the way that nightmare of a nightshirt skims her curves just covering that skimpy thong. I can’t look away. Christ, I should’ve grabbed my bathrobe. Think awful nightmarish things. Do Not Get Hard. “I can imagine.” Fuck no, she’s advancing. Hand on chest, Christ. I should back away.
“The last time I did this you were gay.”
I have to leave before I do something I regret. “Eleanor no.”
“Why? You’re looking at me like you, like you want me.”
“Really? You’re wearing knickers bought for you by another man and wearing that awful flannelette nightshirt. I don’t think so.” Fuck you Sturridge. That was unnecessarily harsh. I don’t want to hurt her.
Now she has to be bloody cute. I should just walk away.
“I can easily take it off though and these.”
Christ. Fuck, hell no. No clothes is not good, not good at all but so bloody good. Those breasts, those curves. Can’t even disguise the hard on. What are you Sturridge, a bloody teenager? I’m not sure I can even speak. “El, don’t do this.” She’s looking at my cock. Great. Don’t fucking twitch. Too late. Christ, she’s getting closer. No. And there they are, the very image that’s keeping me awake nights, her lips on my body. I must not move. Don’t encourage her. Perhaps she’ll give up. No she’s not giving up. Tongue flicking across my nipple. Hell I can’t get any harder. “Christ El you need to stop.” Why doesn’t she listen? Why don’t I leave? She’s not stopping. Her breasts against my skin, her lips on mine. “Baby no, please, you need to, oh sod it.” Christ I’m only human. She feels so soft, her lips inviting, she tastes so good. Fuck, I love the way her tongue plays with mine.
Hell no. This is El. Don’t touch. Don’t ruin it. Don’t ruin her. “We are not doing this.”
“Why aren’t we?”
“Because. Here.” Getting her clothes on is the sensible option. She’s holding the nightshirt against herself. Hell, I can still see one breast.
“That’s not an answer. We like each other, what’s wrong with that?”
What’s wrong with that? She has to ask after all I’ve said. “I’ve told you I don’t want a relationship. Casual I keep it casual.”
“I can do casual.”
Laughable. I can’t do this. I have to get away from her. “You can’t El. You have more string attached to you than a bloody goalpost. Put your clothes on and go to bed.”
“Grant please, I’m sorry. Please listen, we need to talk.”
“Talk about what Eleanor? Do you want to talk about how two nights ago you were fucking my boss and apparently kissing Pete all on the same day?” Christ Sturridge, where the hell did that come from? Jealous or what. No not jealous, just concerned what she’s doing to herself.
“If that’s all true then I can most certainly do casual don’t you think?”
She’s got a point there. But. “I don’t think so. I do so casual I never see who I fuck again, got it? So yes let’s do it, let’s fuck over the breakfast bar and we don’t get to see each other again.” Hell could I be any cruder? “Is that what you want?” Please don’t say yes. I need her in my, no, no. I don’t need anyone. Never have, never will. And now I have the image of her draped across the breakfast bar while I … great bloody great.
“No I don’t, I like you.”
“Then leave me alone.”
“Why are you being so mean?”
Christ don’t cry. Every time she does I want to scoop her in my arms and take her to bed and kiss her better. “El baby I’m not being mean, I’m trying to do the right thing.”
“Are you? I did kiss Pete but I did not, as you so politely put it, fuck Flynn. We had a fun girly sleepover so get your facts straight.”
She has to have slept with Flynn. “I don’t care who you fuck.” I’m a goddam liar.
“Yet you brought it up.”
“I want you to have a little more respect for yourself that’s all.” I do. That’s all this is. And she’s pressing all my sexual buttons. It doesn’t mean I need to react to her, to get her into bed.
“So says the casual fucker.”
That’s me baby. “I’m going to bed you should do the same.”
“Do you like me?”
And she’s still here asking obvious questions. “Of course I do.”
“Do you fancy me?”
If I own that we’re doomed. “El, damn it, I’m not answering that.”
“If you like me and fancy me I don’t see what your problem is.”
“You’re not my type.”
“And what is your type?”
Someone who doesn’t stay around, who doesn’t worm their way into my heart with their giggle, their thoughtfulness, their total disregard for consequences, their tears, their smile. “You need me to take you to Bristol on Tuesday don’t you?”
“I don’t need you to do that, I can get a train, I’d have to leave a bag here if Flynn doesn’t mind but no I don’t need you to. I’ll book a ticket tomorrow.”
“But you’d prefer if you didn’t have to go by train wouldn’t you?”
“Most people would opt for being driven. What’s your point Grant?”
Hell what is my point? “You needed me last night didn’t you?”
“Erm, I have no idea where you’re taking this conversation.”
“Answer the question, this past month you’ve needed me haven’t you?” She has. That’s why she’s hung up on me. Can’t have Pete because her friend’s a douche, can’t have Flynn because he can’t stay faithful for five minutes. I’m the fool she’s turned to now.
“Yes I suppose, you’ve made everything much easier for me.”
“And because of that you’ve fallen for me.”
“It’s not just that, you’re kind, a little uptight at times but I like that, it’s sweet and you’re, you’re… hot, so it’s not just because you do things for me.”
Hot? Just looks. Nothing more. “What I’m trying to point out is I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone, I’m happy with my single life and us sleeping together will change everything.”
“So you’re scared you’ll need me?”
“What? No! It’ll change things in your head and then we’ll no longer be friends.” I do not need anyone.
“So you need me as a friend?”
“What?” She’s tying me in knots.
“If you didn’t need anyone then you wouldn’t want us to be friends. So it’s simple we’re either friends or we’re not, either way we might as well have sex and get it over with because you’re either down that heady path of needing someone or not and if not it won’t matter to you if we never speak to each other after and quite frankly if you don’t need me then we’re hardly friends are we?”
What the hell, doing air commas around the word ‘need’ with those dainty fingers of hers. Christ, I’m losing this argument. I want her in my life. Does that mean I need her? Hell maybe she’s right. I am so fucked. “You’re talking in circles and not making sense.”
“And you are I suppose?”
Not at all. Be cold. Walk away. I have nothing romantic to offer her. She deserves romance and not a casual fuck when I can’t fight my attraction for her anymore. “I am your friend however I do not need you or anyone else and that’s the way I like it. I wouldn’t want to lead you on as I care about you. It would be wrong and selfish of me Eleanor… Is that clear enough for you?”
“Go to bed, you must be freezing. Night Eleanor.” Thank Christ. Back in my room. Door closed on all those feelings. We can’t be. Can’t ever be.